or maybe the only problem is marriage, not all marriages but just my own at times…and maybe it’s just men in general?! ha, it’s really hard to say. Or the problem could solely lie within my own insecurities…that’s probably the problem in all actuality.
I’ve been a stay-at-home mommy since my ‘lil hydran miracle Brayden (www.caringbridge.org/visit/braydenharper) was born almost a year ago. That’s right, there’s his website so please follow along and say a little prayer to the Big Man upstairs to keep him top of mind. Before that, I worked 5 or 6 days a week like a large majority of the population and a large majority of my friends and the people surrounding me. Some moms actually stay home with their kids, moms in the real world and not just on TV? Before now, I never realized so many mothers were blessed with the ability to stay home with their kids, it wasn’t a part of my life growing up or anyone else’s that I knew. I’m adjusting, a year in the works, and I’m not sure I’m adjusting as much as I’d like…but I’ll get there.
So often I find myself wondering if this is where I’m supposed to be. To go from working 40-70 hours a week managing a restaurant at crazy hours, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning…to where I am now, waking up throughout the night with a sad or mad baby or distressed girl with a bad dream to finally waking up for the day before the sun shows it’s rays to get the kids ready for whatever the day holds. My days are no longer filled with schedules, training, teaching, coaching, interviewing, budgeting, finances, paperwork, liquor/beer orders, food, and the heat of a kitchen line during the battle of dinner time! They’re now filled with appointments, play-dates oftentimes missed, doctors offices, cleaning of the same things over and over, laundry that makes babies in the baskets, dishes that won’t wash themselves, floors that are forever sandy, kids that are either happy and playing or talking a million miles a second all the while or arguing with an attitude comparable to a teenager’s and last but not least, a special needs baby that makes me jump with every new noise or lack thereof in wonder of whether he’s ok or if this could be “the day”. Then there’s the hubby that comes home from a long 12hours at “work” (right now it’s school) and finds it entertaining to make comments like I sit on my butt all day watching tv and eating the stereotypical bon-bons…what is a bon-bon, anyways?? To that, let me just say that I’m sorry I no longer make money to bring in to the household…sorry for being worthless.
He would never say worthless, or even think it for a second, but sometimes that’s how I feel. Maybe it’s not how I feel, but how my emotions seem to take over and it’s not always the best thing. I even know that he knows how important it is for me to stay home with the kids, not just because Brayden has special needs, but because it’s better and less cost than working to earn the money that will be spent paying someone else to do the job I could do easily, the way I want to do it! But somedays, I want to be the one to come home and do nothing…change into clean and comfortable clothes that are put away where they belong, play a computer game for a couple of hours, tune everything out and watch tv, make dinner and eat it without cleaning it up, then crawl into a comfy made bed at the end of the day to wake up the next morning refreshed and have everything I need where I need it when I need it…from laundry to any other needs…everything neat and clean without having to lift a finger, ever. I can sit here and know that I’m appreciated, but more often than not, I don’t feel it. That part is hard for me?!
We’ve been married for almost 6 months and together for almost 2 years…but friends for much longer. “WE” isn’t the problem nor is the marriage at all. Before we were married, he was in my surroundings…he was the one without a home of his own, so he was in mine. Maybe the difference is that I didn’t work to get this one, I’m not stressing about making enough money to pay the bills and take care of the kids’ needs all the while putting food on the table and juggling child care at the same time…that’s all a huge adjustment for me. No one else has ever done for me, I’ve always done for others to rarely recieve much in return. My life is pretty stress-free these days, there’s some stress but it’s easily diminished when I realize there’s not a thing I can make better by stressing over it. Maybe the lack of worries and newfound happiness have left me feeling at a loss of emotions…So what needs to happen to make things more consistently better?
I don’t think anything could really make it better. My life is grand…my kids are happy and loved, my hubby loves me and there are no insecurities because for once in my life the relationship is secure and healthily stable, we have a home, we have 2 minivans that are payed off, we’ve minimized any other debt, job security exists to a high degree in a rather scary economy when it’s under contract with the Navy…who could ask for much more? I think I need a break once in a while, like an afternoon to do absolutely nothing or something by myself without the fear of my kids needing me because he just won’t due in certain instances. Without the fear of leaving for 4 hours and having to come back to a mess to clean up since I seem to be the only one that can remember where things belong once they’ve been used or moved out of their home. Without wondering if he’s spaced out in his game, a movie, or the history channel while the girls are running amock around the neighborhood and the baby is crying during a meltdown because he misses his mommy. Maybe then, he’ll truly realize that my days are full of more work than can be imagined…more work than I ever imagined. It’s not baking cakes and cookies, vacuuming in high heels, dusting with a feather duster, welcoming home wonderfully happy and perfect children from school and an overly-appreciative husband from work…like it’s portrayed in old-time sitcoms. But then, I’d be at a loss once again without the chaos that surrounds my ”normal” days..the uncertainty of when certain things will actually get done, as opposed to when I’d like them to be done. I know I would. I love my life, my emotions just haven’t adjusted quite yet…they haven’t learned to be happy and at ease in their surroundings.
PS. let me point out that it took me more than an hour and a half to type this post…along with making breakfast for one girl while cleaning up breakfast from a hubby who’s long gone to school himself, taking the trash to the curb since that before mentioned hubby of course forgot, an 11 min mile jog/walk on the treadmill regardless of the annoying mystery pain in my back & stabbing in my stomach, getting one girl ready and off for school despite the fact that she’s tired and doesn’t want to, changing an overnite diaper on a very unhappy and vocal little man & various other needful fill-ins that only a super-multitasking-momma could do. ahhhh…the life of a stay-at-home momma and wife, I’m lovin’ it.
